etfb

All Creatures That On Earth Do Dwell

TTTO All People That On Earth Do Dwell, unsurprisingly

All creatures that on Earth do dwell,
Afflicting us with shit and smell,
Are brought to us, we know full well,
By he who is the Lord of Hell.

You cat, who claws our sofa seat,
And howls at night demanding meat,
And seeks by day to trip our feet:
I'd gladly set you in concrete.

You dog, you drooling imbecile
Who barks at every passing wheel,
My children greet you with such zeal;
I frankly don't see your appeal.

You rat, in self-inflicted stink,
With tail of quite alarming pink,
Our table scraps your food and drink --
You're old, you'll be dead soon, I think.

You chicken, in your makeshift run,
Aren't bad when all is said and done:
You give us fresh eggs by the ton;
Of all beasts, you're my favourite one.

Even the cat agrees: we really need to get rid of our ugly armchairs. They're ripped to shreds by our aesthetically strident cat, and they're grubby from years of abuse by small people who don't quite get the concept of "open end faces upwards" in the matter of bowls and cups of Milo, soup, stew, purple paint, etc.

While we're at it, we should get rid of the cat too. Does anyone have a twenty litre blender?

Via Pharyngula, the last word in blogs: Stuff God Hates:

I hate cats! Especially kittens. Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist.

Just for the record, I’d like to say right now that I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation. Cats are demons sent to Earth by Satan to infect humans with sin parasites and wreak general havoc. I first noticed them when they pounced out of hell 5,000 years ago and seized control of Egypt. Once in power, they immediately set about enslaving My Jews, forcing them to build the stupid worthless Pyramids.

- #20, Cats

He's right, you know.

We really need to get rid of our idiot cat.  The antiosocial personality disorder is one thing, and the endless wailing and frantic bounding about the house every 3am is something you learn to blot out, but the cat shit on the hallway carpet never goes out of fashion.  Does anyone want a teenaged neurotic with all the charisma of phlegm and an attitude to humanity that reminds one of Joseph Goebbels without the snappy dress sense?

Naah, didn't think so.

Never mind; we have a blender and a compost heap. We'll make do.

Several of my friends (and Friends) have cats that are sick, dying, getting run over by a steamroller on its way to a mattress commercial, &c &c et al. And yet our cat remains stubbornly alive, crapping on the carpet and howling with anger at not being fed immediately after she's been fed. No sign of cat death here. How is that fair?

Right, now I can tick off "Talk About My Cat" on the List Of Things To Do On LJ. Now what's left... hmmm... I've done a sufficient quantity of "What Piece Of Polystyrene Scenery From Space 1999 Are You?" memes, and plenty of LOLCats, and of course "How Much You Like The Job You Just Started" and "How Much You Hate The Job You've Had For A Month" are done and dusted. I guess there's just "God I'm Depressed" (which I'm not) and "Quantum Leap Slash Fan Fiction" left to do (which -- no).